Not Fooling Anyone
by Threepwillow
Summary: Yusuke's been surrounded by girls lately, and frankly, he's sick of all of them...especially this new one, who's apparently Kuwabara's girlfriend. :::Oneshot, YusukexKuwabara, background KuwabaraxOFC:::


Yusuke had noticed her slinking around a lot lately. She was kind of pretty, he figured, if you liked that sort of thing - hair a few shades darker brown than Keiko's, and wire-framed glasses that fit her face okay, not like some of the other girls their age. She seemed nice but super-nerdy. The problem was, he had absolutely no idea who she was.

"Her? That's Sugimoto Miyu."

"Well who the hell is she?"

Keiko sighed, and Yusuke didn't even bother to resist rolling his eyes. Here we go again. "Well, if you'd ever paid any attention to anything but yourself, _Yusuke_, you'd know exactly who she is. She's in class 2-A, a year below us, and her dad works at the hospital." She shot him a look from around the textbook she was studying from. "He's probably patched you and your friends up a couple of times and you didn't even realize it."

Yusuke snorted, continuing to fidget with a pink eraser that was sitting on the desk between them. "When was the last time I actually went to a hospital for stuff like that?"

"Well, regardless. She's also in the honors club with me - though she doesn't really talk much, now that I think about it."

"Not everyone is as enthusiastic about their braininess as you, Keiko."

"And _anyway_," Keiko continued, pointedly ignoring him, "if you _did_ pay attention to _anything_ at all, if you cared about your friends _half_ as much as they care about you, instead of being wrapped up in your own self all the time - "

"Jeez, would you just spit it out?"

" - You'd have noticed that she's Kuwabara's _girlfriend_."

The eraser slipped from Yusuke's grasp and went flying halfway across the room.

-xxx-

_Girlfriend_.

Yusuke, kicking a rock down the street on his way home from school, decided that he hated the world _girlfriend_. It didn't really mean what it sounded like, did it? At face value, the word didn't seem to imply that a girl was anything more your friend. And girls used it on each other all the time, talking about _going out with some of their girlfriends_. If a guy got caught saying he was hanging out with a boyfriend, that would just sound...well, it'd sound pretty _gay_. Yusuke kicked the rock especially hard, into the side of his downstairs neighbors' trash can. _Boyfriend_ was a pretty stupid word too.

He made it up to his own apartment and opened the door rather vigorously, letting it bounce off the wall and shut itself. Rounding the corner to his bedroom, he tossed his school bag to the floor by the doorframe and plopped himself onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. His mother found him there, still staring, still fuming, an hour or so later.

"Don't you have homework you should be doing or something?" she asked him.

"Like you're one to talk about getting work done, laying in bed asleep until five in the afternoon," he growled back, not even bothering to sit up and look at her.

"Actually, all that racket you were making when you got home earlier woke me up. Why'd you slam the door so hard?"

"Ch, who knows."

"God, Yusuke, what's gotten into you? You're so angry today."

"I'm not angry!" he shouted back, rolling over onto his stomach as an unspoken way of shutting her out. She seemed to interpret it correctly, because with an aggravated, hopeless huff of breath, she headed off into the kitchen and left him there to stew. She knew he was lying. And so did Yusuke. He _was_ angry.

He just couldn't really figure out _why_.

-xxx-

Of course, now that Yusuke knew about her, he kept seeing Miyu everywhere. It was almost like she was following him - except being followed was a feeling Yusuke was intimately familiar with, and this didn't feel like that. They just ran into each other with increasing regularity. The logical part of his brain (contrary to popular belief, he _did_ have one) tried to patiently remind him that they traveled in the same social circles, and that he was bound to run into anyone who hung out with both Keiko and Kuwabara, regardless of the nature of the latter relationship. The rest of him was sick of her.

"That girl bugs me," he said one day to Botan. From where they sat on the roof of the school they could see her down on the ground talking to a couple of friends.

"Which girl? The chubby one?"

"No, no, the one with glasses. Sugimoto."

Botan frowned a bit. "She seems nice to me. Quiet, but nice."

"Yeah, quiet," said Yusuke grumpily. "Anyone that's too quiet always bugs me. Like they're thinkin' all these thoughts, judging people, but they're too chicken to just say it to people's faces."

"Well, Yusuke, unlike you, some people _have_ a filter between their mouth and their brain."

"Damnit, Botan, are you taking her side too?"

"Oh, Yusuke, now you're just being ridiculous," said Botan. "Have you ever spoken more than five words to the girl?"

"No, _duh_. I thought we just established that she doesn't talk."

"Maybe it just takes a while for her to open up. Give her a little bit of credit."

Yusuke snorted and turned around to recline on the roof's railing with his elbows, his back to the ground below. "Ch, whatever. Probably works out for the best that way anyway. Kuwabara's always running his mouth, he needs someone that never makes a peep to compensate." He stared off into the overcast sky, sulking.

Botan frowned a bit more, and he made a face at her. "_What_?"

She started, as if she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't have been. "Oh, nothing, nothing at all."

"That's what I thought," he said with a scowl. But her expression stuck in his mind, and along with his serious frustration, Yusuke was amounting quite a list of things he had no explanation for. And all of them seemed to come from _girls_.

-xxx-

She was in the arcade. Right over there, at Kuwabara's usual machine. There was Kuwabara, and there _she_ was, hovering behind him. Something about this seemed very, very wrong to Yusuke. Usually Kuwabara was surrounded by his friends-slash-lackies, cheering him on or waiting for him to fail so they could usurp his high scores. He was _not_ usually being shadowed by a timid nerdy girl with a handful of game tokens who would cheer breathily every time he did so much as defeat a minor pixelated bad guy. This just was not right.

_You're not going to accomplish anything by just sitting over here spying on them, you know,_ said a little voice inside Yusuke's head that sounded remarkably like Genkai. And she was right, of course; he hated to admit it, but she was almost always right. Yusuke was ducked down behind a station that was at an angle to Kuwabara's, where he had a clear view of the two of them by leaning around only slightly, but could easily vanish to the point where they couldn't see him. He felt a little stalkerish following them around, but this Sugimoto chick was really starting to get under his skin, and Kuwabara was a friend. And what kind of friend would Yusuke be if he didn't look out for Kuwabara and make sure his _girlfriend_ was up to par?

They made a really awkward-looking couple, he decided. Kuwabara was tall, goofy, and definitely ugly. Sugimoto was small and kinda cute, but in a seriously nerdy way that would keep her from being anyone's first choice. If Kuwabara were gonna date someone, it ought to be someone taller, and someone good-looking next to his ugly mug, to make him look better by association. Somebody who, instead of just sitting there meekly holding out tokens as he leveled up higher and higher, would be right there alongside him kicking some bad guy butt and giving him a run for his money. Yusuke couldn't see how it was at all possible that Sugimoto wasn't just _boring_ Kuwabara.

_And of course you can't think of anyone that might fit that description_, Genkai's voice hissed again at the back of his mind. Well, thought Yusuke, so what if he could? Kuwabara liked to play the gentleman, but the kind of girls that wanted that sort of thing were lame and wishy-washy. If Yusuke had to set him up with someone they knew, he'd probably pick...well, he'd probably pick Botan, he guessed. She was pretty, and - was the word _spunky_? She'd slap Kuwabara around if he did anything stupid, just like Yusuke knew Keiko would do to him. Sugimoto didn't look like she could swat a fly. She'd never knock Kuwabara off his hopeless romantic high horse. Especially not if all she could muster was a few excited giggles when he beat the whole damn game -

Oh. Oh, there was going to be more than a few excited giggles. Because Sugimoto was definitely reaching out for Kuwabara in a weak embrace, made awkward because of the difference in their heights, and now it looked like she was straining her face toward his for...

For a kiss.

Yusuke was so pissed he could scream. What in the hell was she doing? Even from all the way over here, Yusuke could tell that Kuwabara was way less interested in this kiss than she was. If only there were something he could do...

_Don't be stupid,_ Genkai's voice said. _You've got an entire repertoire of long-range attacks and you seriously can't come up with anything?_

And suddenly, it all seemed so clear. He'd done it before, just once, right at the very beginning - an attack so light it seemed less like a bullet and more like a slap in the face. Quick, effective, and _subtle_, which usually wasn't his strong point but which actually seemed like it would work in the current situation. So steadily, silently, as fast as he could, Yusuke lined up the shot and sent the barest whisper of a spirit gun zinging toward the back of Sugimoto's head. As it hit, her face mashed forward into Kuwabara's and he started, hand coming up to rub at his bonked nose. Sugimoto looked mortified.

As she frantically tried to explain, despite the fact that there was no way she even could, Yusuke sniggered quietly to himself. That'd teach her to go around messing with his friend. With _his_ Kuwabara.

...Well, shit, Yusuke said to himself.

Genkai said, _Punk, you're not fooling anyone._

-xxx-

It took a week.

Not even a week, really. Five days at the most. Just long enough for Yusuke to have to watch Kuwabara and Sugimoto interact with each other every day at school. Yusuke almost wanted to go back to skipping all the time, just so he wouldn't have to deal with it, but he almost thought _not_ seeing it would be worse, because then he wouldn't know what was going on. And he couldn't ask Keiko to keep tabs on it, because that would get her all curious. Curious Keiko was the last thing he needed. So he spent all day at school, letting his irritation at Sugimoto stir into downright rage, and then spent all night pacing around his room as, against his best judgement, the rage ultimately melted into jealousy. He was _jealous_ because his best friend had a girlfriend. In theory this didn't seem that bad, but then you had to take into consideration that when your best friend had a girlfriend and you were jealous, you usually weren't jealous of the _girl_.

Yusuke was constantly irritable. He couldn't stand to be around Kuwabara for too long, even when Sugimoto wasn't there. He snapped at Keiko and Botan. His mother had taken to avoiding him altogether. What could he do, though? What the hell could he _do_?

Not much. He pretty much had only two options: keep silent and go absolutely freaking insane, or come clean, get laughed at, and look like a total queer.

And after sitting around doing option A for so long, option B was starting to look pretty good.

Thursday evening found Yusuke knocking at the door of the Kuwabara household. He braced himself for the worst and had nearly spoken the first word of his (hastily, mentally) prepared confession when he realized that the person who'd answered the door had been Kuwabara's sister.

"Oh. Hey Shizuru."

"Yusuke. What are you doing here?"

"I wanna talk to Kuwabara," he said, trying to be as vague as possible.

Shizuru looked at him hard for what seemed like an insanely long time, considering it was probably actually only about thirty seconds. "I don't know if you can."

"_What_? Come on, Shizuru - "

"No, no, listen," she said. "Kazuma told me I wasn't allowed to let you in to talk to him unless..."

"Unless _what_?"

"Well, it didn't make any sense to me."

"What is it?"

"He said, 'I don't wanna talk to Urameshi unless he figures it out.' I don't know what it is he wants from you, but - "

"I think _I_ do," Yusuke said firmly. "I think I've figured the whole damn thing out."

And evidently, Shizuru saw something in the determination on Yusuke's face, because she stepped aside from the door and let him in. Yusuke raced to Kuwabara's bedroom, threw open the door, and launched into the whole thing before he could forget.

"_Look_, Kuwabara," he started, his eyes screwed shut so nothing would distract him. "I've known you for a long time and despite the fact that you're stupid and ugly and a total spazz, the fact of it is you're one of the only people I know that I would trust with my life. And I always just seem to _get_ you, because you're a human I guess, and because you're a _guy_. I'm freaking sick of girls. I talk to them all the time but I never understand them. They never say what they mean, or if they do they say it in a way that doesn't make any damn sense, and what I'm saying, I guess, is that don't think I'm totally switching to the other team or anything here, because girls are still kind of hot even when they're being retarded, but I totally _hate your girlfriend_ because - "

"Urameshi? What are you doing here?"

Tentatively, Yusuke opened one eye, then both when he realized what was going on. The voice had come from behind him, where he stood in the doorway to Kuwabara's room. In front of him, the room was empty. Yusuke had delivered this entire stupid speech to _no one_. Slowly, he turned around to face Kuwabara, who had probably just walked in on the tail end of it, if he'd heard any of it at all. And he started to laugh.

"What the heck is going on, Urameshi?"

Yusuke just laughed harder. "Damnit, Kuwabara, you are the only person I know who could completely miss his own giant queer love confession."

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?"

"_This_ is what I'm talking about!" Yusuke finally snapped, and because he just couldn't take it any longer he reached around to the back of Kuwabara's head and drew his face in towards his own, sealing their lips together hard.

Yusuke didn't know at what point Kuwabara started kissing back, just that eventually they'd backed over to Kuwabara's bed and sat down on it, still joined at the mouth. Most of the kisses were deep and forceful, both of them participating very vigorously, neither one of them wanting to let up and be the _girl_ - but a couple of soft, easy ones leaked in here and there, and Yusuke would be lying if he said he didn't like those, too, with Kuwabara's tongue slipping smoothly past his own and a couple of fingers finding their way into his hair. They both got so distracted by all of this that it was a long time before either of them said anything.

"You...you know I was only with Miyu-chan to kinda...make you jealous, Urameshi," Kuwabara finally said.

Yusuke, as much as he hated to admit it, smiled at that one. "Yeah, I guess I kind of figured that out after a while," he said. "It definitely worked."

"Yeah," said Kuwabara, and he chuckled a little too.

"So you're gonna dump her?"

"Not just like _that_. You gotta let 'em down easy. You really don't know anything about girls, do you, Urameshi?"

"I don't know and I don't really care."

"Well, what about Keiko?"

"If there's one thing I know about Keiko," said Yusuke, "it's that she _always_ figures this kinda thing out way before I do. She's probably known for months and was just waiting for me to figure it out myself."

"I'm...kinda glad you did."

Yusuke smiled even more embarrassingly at that. "...Me too."

"So I hope you don't think this makes me your boyfriend or nothin'," said Kuwabara.

"EW, _no_. That's the dumbest word _ever_."


End file.
